Whether I'm sitting down to a nice evening of watching starving third world children videos, or pointing and laughing at the homeless in my own home town, I know that God's perfect plan requires no action on my part other than what I would do anyway, which is to laugh and laugh and fall down laughing! Join me, won't you? I've seen that you will!

So, I watch and watch and laugh and laugh at so-called 'suffering,' including the suffering I inexorably cause with my totally predetermined destructive tendencies and inborn disregard for human feelings, knowing that everything will work out and for all practical purposes, everything HAS turned out alright for all eternity! I'm also a voyeur (I can see you're one too!), and hell, I like to laugh! Don't you? I'm also a good Leibnizian (isn't everyone?), so I know that God has created the best of all possible worlds for us. Everything will turn out great! I'm also a determinist, as is any scientific-minded person, so I know that I have no control of anything. Providing this service to a comedy maverick like TV's Frank here is iffy, as he could likely think of something funnier himself, but perhaps this offering will help him with his post-traumatic stress syndrome related to writing dialogue for a talking cat.

I am merely providing a new perspective to such celebrities, which they can use as a tool to further their careers, to whip their fans into shape, and to offer to other celebrities as an alternative to scientology. I am not implying that such celebrities do not currently have a philosophy or that their philosophy is deficient (I would choose Kirk Cameron if that were the case). I hope it's obvious from my inclusion of this MST3K alum, given my past comments on MST3K, that I am not slamming these needy celebrities by creating for them spiffy brand new personal philosophies (give one today to someone who's name you've drawn for secret Santa!).

CATS v. CONNIFF by Frank Conniff